Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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