i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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