he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
