seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
