Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
