I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I got chris browned last night
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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