Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
