Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
