after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
