I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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