So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
