My room smells like vodka and shame
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
