Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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