she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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