I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
