God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
