the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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