My first STD was from a foam party
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
