I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
