i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
