I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
