yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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