everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
