so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
