Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
