OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
