White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
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Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
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Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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