I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
