thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you inspire me to be a worse person
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
