Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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