Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
