I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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