see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
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Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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