my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
