I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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