Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I wish there were birth control emojis
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
