it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
