ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
