I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
