he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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