we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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