I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize