But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
