I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
