I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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