you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
