I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
