I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
