he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
