Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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