Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
