You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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