***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
