i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
