I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
