Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
