today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
