this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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