Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
