Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
