I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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