went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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