His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
