Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
