at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
