theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
